Wednesday, October 9, 2013

And We Thought We Were Dinosaur Lovers (NSFW)

It seems like a classic "good news/bad news" story. The good news is that, for the first time in a while, the entire internet has been talking about dinosaurs. Tumblr blogs, Facebook, even Cracked--all have been devoting space to our favorite extinct animals.

The bad news is that...well...see for yourself.



The horror continues after the jump.

It's hard to even know where to begin, so let's start with the facts. A pair of college students attending Texas A&M have been making a worryingly large amount of money by self publishing dinosaur erotica. Each story is about six thousand words long, and comes packaged with a cover that really must be seen to be believed.


Those....uh....yep. Those are erotic dinosaur novellas, alright. They appear to be assembled out of various pieces of stock art, which leads me to wonder if the models pictured here have ever actually seen the covers. That's got to be a sobering moment in your life, opening a link and seeing yourself splayed out before an amorous theropod. Luckily the dinosaurs are spared similar embarrassment, being unable to use computers by virtue of being a.) plastic and b.) dead. We'd just better hope nobody shows this to a bird, because if they comprehend what's being implied about their ancestors we may have a Hitchcock on our hands.  

Let's examine one of these in a bit more detail, shall we? 


Frankly, the most shocking thing here is the nudity. It's terrible how these authors are exposing unwitting eyes to such a blatant display of naked flesh. What if children were to see this and think it were normal? What if amateurs attempted to repeat what they saw here? It's really too disgraceful for words. 

Seriously, put some feathers on that dromaeosaur. At least the woman's covered. 

All jokes aside, let's look at that animal. While it may seem churlish to nitpick the accuracy of a dinosaur on the cover of work of "dinosaur erotica," it's worth pointing out that the poor raptor is afflicted with a near terminal case of shrinkwrap. Look at the malnourishment; you can practically count its ribs. If only there were some kind of readily available food item near by.


This one's actually kind of shocking, though. I had no idea that little Balaur bondoc's fame had so successfully penetrated the public consciousness. Or that it would have such stamina--

Hold on. What are those peeking out from under its arms? Are those human legs? 



...I think there's a furry somewhere who's going to be very disappointed. It never fails; you think you're settling in for a nice sexy time reading about people ravishing each other in animal suits, and you fire up the e-book only to discover it stars real dinosaurs. What are you trying to pull here, Christie Simms? You think furries are a bunch of perverts? Shame on you.


Wait, the lady is transparent! Is this one about dinosaur ghosts having sex with humans, or human ghosts having sex with dinosaurs? Is that ghost erotica or dinosaur erotica? How do you even file that? Won't somebody think of the librarians?  


There are other adverbs, Christie Sims. Why not stretch out a bit? Dating the Dilophosaur. Nuzzling the Neovenator. Canoodling with Carnotaurus. Respectfully Propositioned by the Rhabadon. It can't be all "take," all the time--



Ok, Christie. You win this round.

Let's take a break from the covers and see if the inside is any better. Firing up a copy of In the Velociraptor's Nest and selecting a passage at random, we find our heroine bathing in a stream.
Her hands were dirty and she stood, looking down at the rest of her; dirty leather moccasins covered dirty feet, her knees were dirty, the thin animal hide that covered her torso was dirty, her arms and elbows were dirty as well. She flared her nostrils and sniffed. Flinching, Azog realized she smelled like a decaying wildebeest and sighed, slipping from her moccasins and animal hide to creep, naked and sweaty, into the stream.  
Look, Ms. Sims, Azog is not a sexy name, no matter how dirty you describe her as being. Still, that wasn't too terrible. Badly written, sure, but apparently they're pumping these out fairly regularly, so some hackery can be forgiven. You know, this may not be as bad as I thought. Let's jump ahead a bit and see.
A reptilian tongue, stiff and hot, dashed out to lick at the tender, naked flesh so suddenly exposed. Azog gasped at the touch, then gradually relaxed as her body warmed to the intoxicating sensation of the beast's flesh against her own...Azog relished the rasp of its tongue, hot and rough, on her sensitive skin.
Ok, that's weird. But it's not like she's actually getting down with it, right? Let me just--


 I think David might actually fire me if I put that on his blog. Christie, what do you have to say for yourself?
Hi! I'm just a plain old, everyday Midwestern girl that lives a normal life. However, while my outward tastes are relatively simple, my inner thoughts are filled with lusty thoughts of big, strong, powerful monsters having their way with beautiful maidens. 
Almost all of my stories fall under the Monster Sex genre, and come from the inner desires that spring from my mind. 
Thank you for looking at my author page and thank you for your support. I hope you enjoy these tales of beautiful maidens exploring their lust for these powerful creatures as much as I had writing them. 
I think you've sprung quite enough, young lady. Still, there is some solace to be had here. Not only does this have the virtue of making all other fields of human endeavor look rational by comparison, it neatly separates the interested from the obsessed. So next time somebody makes fun of you for liking dinosaurs, know that you can be completely honest in saying "Actually, we're just friends."

It's a low bar, true, but it's a bar just the same.


15 comments:

  1. "How do you even file that? Won't somebody think of the librarians?"
    Easy Peasy! Fic Sim.
    Now I do need some current books with accurate information about dino's for my middle schoolers. Any suggestion?

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  2. OMG, they're not even therapsids! Kinda makes enjoying the attention that bowser occasionally gives your leg seem almost normal.

    Pantydraco and Fukuiraptor are just begging to feature in the titles of the next books. And perhaps even Megalosaurus under his alter ego of Scrotum humanum?

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  3. I'm never sure what is worse - someone writing tripe like this, or the apparently large consumer base willing to read it and ask for more.

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  4. After five years working in self-publishing I just shook my head and sighed when I saw this.

    From NY Magazine (http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/10/qa-the-women-who-write-dinosaur-erotica.html):
    "You have to keep doing your research, keep yourself writing, make good book covers or hire someone who can (you can find good royalty-free pictures to use for cheap; www.123rf.com is a good place and you can hire someone on fiverr.com to make you a cover for $5), and use marketing tactics to advertise your books."

    It's not cute or wacky, it's just mercenary. That's what really grosses me out. I'd be offended by the idea that a "good book cover" can be created for $5, but as you've ably demonstrated above, the authors have gone and contradicted that themselves.

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  5. And now of course the retcons begin: Behind the Green Dilophosaurus, Deep Therapod, Ilsa: She-Wolf of the Psittacosaur...

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    Replies
    1. Haha. I shouldn't, but... Debbie Does Daspletosaurus, Flesh Gorgosaurus, The Diabloceratops in Miss Jones,...

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    2. Lust in the Time of Chasmosaurus.

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    3. I'm shocked it took that long.

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  6. And though it's probably the worst cover up there, I must say that it does seem notable that Balaur made the cut. Does that one take place on Hațeg Island, I wonder?

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  7. Dino sighting! there is a really nice origami T-rex skeleton here:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/lemattchh/with/9625918283/

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  8. Only authentic with Papo dinosaurs on the cover so enthusiasts know where to get the original and re-enact the novel...

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