Thursday, March 21, 2013

Unfeathered Jurassic Park Wishlist

I'm one of those sticks-in-the-mud who is disappointed that I won't get to see gloriously feathered theropods in Jurassic Park 4, but I also must give director Colin Trevorrow the benefit of the doubt: after all, his promise that there wouldn't be any feathers in JP4 may have simply meant that he plans on not including any feathered taxa in the film.

Why, that would be perfectly fine! I'm no theropod chauvinist. And wouldn't you know it, I've got a little wishlist for just how the humans-on-dinosaur conflict could play out, excluding those pesky feathered animals that have devoured the news for the last two decades.

1. Marauding bands of drunken, surly Plateosaurus.
2. Pachycephalosaurus rodeo catastrophe!
3. Sonic-blasting, fire-breathing Parasaurolophus.
4. Ever see Attack of the Killer Shrews? That, but with Fruitadens.
5. Oryctodromeus totally, like, burrowed... so maybe they were like Mesozoic myrmeleontids (or graboids)? Why not.

While some of these would arguably bear quills or fuzz or whatnot, leaving those out are probably more forgivable than sad, nekkid dromaeosaurs. All the drama, suspense, and spine-tingling action we've come to expect from the esteemed franchise, none of the dinosaur nerd whinging. Win-win!

11 comments:

  1. Made this point to a lesser extent not too long ago: http://tomozaurus.deviantart.com/art/Velociraptor-s-Image-Part-3-Theropod-parade-349080637

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    1. Ah, yes! I saw that. Very nice. Mind if I share it here some time?

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  2. As long as we don't get Tyrannosaurus "doing a Godzilla" in San Diego again, everything else is an improvement!

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  3. Number 4 made me snort with laughter. I have had the (mis)fortune to see (parts of) Attack of the Killer Shrews. As long as they keep the equivalent of the scene where the lady opens the door to be greeted by a shrew/Fruitadens face and (quite naturally for a B-movie) screams in feminine terror.

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  4. I'd like to note the missed chance to call Oryctodromeus Graboids.

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    1. I'd considered them as graboids but thought that Ant Lion-style ambush predators might be cooler and (somewhat) more plausible. But why not? I've added that option to the post.

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  5. It occurred to me at around Midnight that this would be the perfect moment for the director of "The Good Dinosaur" to Tweet: "Feathers. #DealWithIt" (Remember, Pixar is the studio that researched their asses off so that every character in "Cars" would have the right horn noise...)

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  6. Ha, looks like you've got JP 5-9 sorted David! To bring it up to an even 10 I suggest Seismosaurus (I know it's now Diplodocus) living up to its name - we've already seen that the islands have unusual geology because Tyrannosaurus was able to make the ground shake just walking around. After setting off a few earthquakes, Seismosaurus stamps its feet causing the previously dormant volcano to erupt and then, inexplicably, the island sinks beneath the ocean.

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    1. Oh wow, thanks for that! The sauropod angle was stumping me.

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    2. I remember a pulp novel in German that had a Seismosaurus rampaging through Las Vegas, in pain because the tip of its tail was cut of during time travel. It was glorious. At the very least, much better than say, a T.rex in San Diego.

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